A Week and a Decision

Last Saturday we were at UNH for an Accepted Students event.   Walking onto the campus, Beloved Child says, "This is prettier than I thought."  Inside my head I was cheering but saying nothing aloud, because I did not want to jinx it.  UNH is the school she did not want to apply to EVER.  UNH is the school she was not going to go to NO MATTER WHAT!   UNH was the safety school that I MADE her apply to in case nothing else worked out.  UNH has almost everything she wants in a school except that it is in NH. 

     She was down to 5 schools to decide from by May 1st, which is "Send in your Money Day" at all colleges.   We had waited to go to this event because in truth, she did not want UNH on her list.  It was a good visit. We were the only people there to visit with the professor from her major, so it was a one on one conversation about the classes, the opportunities and her interests.  We had lunch in one of the dining halls, walked across the main campus where trees were starting to blossom and the grass was turning green.

     We came home and she was pleased but non-committal regarding her decision.   We had plans to go to Florida the next Friday to look at one more school, a very small liberal arts college on the sea coast.  She wanted to see it before she could come to any final choice and then,   (cue music of doom)

    the car she drives needed to be inspected before it could be re-registered for another year.  It is 40 dollars to have it inspected, whether or not it passes.  Our deal has been that if she wanted to drive the car that inspections, registration and small repairs (the only kind worth doing on a car so old) are up to her to finance.   Monday, the car went to the shop and the car guy told her that it would pass BUT (always a catch) she absolutely had to buy tires right away.    She came home and started to look for cheap tires on the internet.  I said that was not going to work, as you cannot just have tires delivered from Amazon. They have to be put on, balanced etc. and that she was looking at a minimum of $400.
Tears ensued. "I hate thinking about money!" "I hate that everything costs so much."    Again, we talked about choices.  I said that if we did not go to Florida to see the school that I could give her the money we would have used for the trip and she could put tires on or she could not get tires and have the money in her account for other things she wanted but not have a car to drive.  We talked through her tears about what going to UNH would mean in terms of finances (more choices, no debt) and what it would mean to go to a smaller, private liberal arts school (fewer choices and less discretionary money for travel programs). She had envisioned herself at a "good school", a "mini-Ivy" of some sort and looking at the school she was never going to go to was a struggle.
     She likes the options at UNH, she liked what she saw of her program, she loves the travel possibilities.   She asked "You won't just come and visit me, will you?"   And I assured her that I would only visit if I called first and asked if I could take her to dinner. (I am not likely to drive the hour and a half just on a whim)  She wants the "away" experience, even if she is still in our home state.
     In the end, she said, "I'll go to UNH."  There was some resignation and reluctance.  There was a hint of relief. As the week has gone by, I think there might even be some excitement creeping in.    I sent the check.  She will send in her dorm request and pick an orientation date.   Beloved Child is going to college in the Fall and now we know where.
               Her wings have a destination now, and she will be building a new nest. 

Reality and Choices

   Beloved Child is in the final month of deciding about colleges.  Over the weekend she heard from 3 more schools, two put her on the wait list and one out right said she was not admitted.   I did not realize how much of my own ego was invested in her getting in, not because I want her to go to any one particular school, but because, who on earth would reject my smart, wonderful child?  She got into 5 schools, 4 of which she is not truly interested in, which leaves her feeling as though she really has only one choice and the wait list schools.

   In truth, I think the one school that admitted her and that she would consider going to is the right school. It has the programs, extra-curriculars and travel opportunities that she wants, it is not overly far from home, but certainly far enough, and has economic diversity as well as a large enough student body to have other kinds of diversity as well.

   And in the midst of this, I try to not put MY hopes, fears and choices in her face.  I ask, nicely, "how are you feeling about all of this?"  "What do you think/feel about your choices?" and she says, "Mom, asking how I am feeling is just making me feel worse.  Stop it. "   Okay. Well. Um.   So, I have to shut up, for now, and wait to be asked for an opinion, and be silently supportive somehow.   Ice cream?

    We went to Florida last week for 3 days.  It was great.  We walked on the beach, ate (outside!!), shopped and talked.  I am cherishing these opportunities to be close before she leaves in the Fall.  Tomorrow is back to school, the last term.  Graduation is 2 months away.   Silent support, lots of love and opinions when asked.  This is my life today, right now.

The Money Tree

Money doesn't grow on trees?

     I skyped with the child last night. (Hurrah)  She is in Spain for a term with 8 classmates. As well as classes in Spanish, literature, history and culture, she has art with a local artisan, guitar lessons, athletic opportunities and extensive travel with the group.    She showed me the sunglasses she bought for 148 euros.  She showed me the jeans she bought that were "cheap".  She has told me about the cafe con leche and the tortillas espanola that she has been eating at the local shop.
    And...she wants to stay longer (Please?  It won't cost that much more.).  She wants me to come visit (I wish I could, and that she WANTS me to means everything to me).  She wants us to go back and visit her host family next summer after graduation.  She also wants to buy a car when she returns to the states (with what I don't know).
   I have spent her entire life talking with her about "needs" and "wants".  She knows that my being a social worker/childcare provider and semi-at-home mom means that I do not have as much money as some of the other kids' parents.  We have had tears, compromises and most recently, a summer job. Still, compared to many, she has a pretty privileged life.  And yet, the "wants" are mounting as graduation approaches. Considering that colleges and universities are in the 30-50,000. dollar range, the "needs" and"wants" are only going to show up more and more.  
    How to be enthusiastic and encouraging AND realistic is a challenge for me.  I feel like I am the killjoy, the voice of doom, the "bad news mama" when I say, "Wow, we can't afford that...." again. Most of the time, she gets it and we don't have to battle every dime.  She shops consignment and looks for coupons.  She is frugal as can be with her own money.   The "Bank of Mom" however is another story.
   I hate worrying about, thinking about, talking about money.  There is no fun in it for me.   That she and I have made it this far is encouraging to me.  She has a debit card and knows what happens if she overdraws (the lovely woman at the bank made this abundantly clear to her.)
     Still, along with wings for the girl, a money tree would be nice.  Don't you think?

Beginnings

A new friend said, "Why don't you write a blog?".  My initial thought was that I wouldn't think anyone would read about my babble.  And then again, why not?

    I have been reading adoption blogs recently.  I think the reasons are many, but the biggest one is that my "baby" is getting ready to leave for college and I am feeling a mix of emotions.   It is time.  I would not do anything to hold her back from this next adventure in life.  I am thrilled for her and a little sad for me. College.  17 years ago I brought her home from China as a ten month old baby.  It was the two of us in the world.  Mama and daughter. Two girls in the tub, in the house, in the world.
And now, she is off. 

    When she was a little girl, wings were a part of every outfit.  She has a pair of white wings that were worn with pajamas, dresses, leggings and just plain underpants.   My girl could FLY!   We read stories about fairies (and later about broomsticks and Quidditch), we had a resident fairy leaving mysterious notes to be found throughout the house.  Wings were essential wear to the grocery, for a walk through town and on the playground.

     Now her wings are spread, if not visibly, at least psychologically.  College applications from all over the country are spread on her bed.  She is in Spain for a term.  Last summer she worked away from home. Last Fall she sailed to the Caribbean for 10 weeks.  All in preparation for leaving home. She is standing on the edge of adult life with her wings outspread.  Yes, she is wearing wings, again.