A Week and a Decision

Last Saturday we were at UNH for an Accepted Students event.   Walking onto the campus, Beloved Child says, "This is prettier than I thought."  Inside my head I was cheering but saying nothing aloud, because I did not want to jinx it.  UNH is the school she did not want to apply to EVER.  UNH is the school she was not going to go to NO MATTER WHAT!   UNH was the safety school that I MADE her apply to in case nothing else worked out.  UNH has almost everything she wants in a school except that it is in NH. 

     She was down to 5 schools to decide from by May 1st, which is "Send in your Money Day" at all colleges.   We had waited to go to this event because in truth, she did not want UNH on her list.  It was a good visit. We were the only people there to visit with the professor from her major, so it was a one on one conversation about the classes, the opportunities and her interests.  We had lunch in one of the dining halls, walked across the main campus where trees were starting to blossom and the grass was turning green.

     We came home and she was pleased but non-committal regarding her decision.   We had plans to go to Florida the next Friday to look at one more school, a very small liberal arts college on the sea coast.  She wanted to see it before she could come to any final choice and then,   (cue music of doom)

    the car she drives needed to be inspected before it could be re-registered for another year.  It is 40 dollars to have it inspected, whether or not it passes.  Our deal has been that if she wanted to drive the car that inspections, registration and small repairs (the only kind worth doing on a car so old) are up to her to finance.   Monday, the car went to the shop and the car guy told her that it would pass BUT (always a catch) she absolutely had to buy tires right away.    She came home and started to look for cheap tires on the internet.  I said that was not going to work, as you cannot just have tires delivered from Amazon. They have to be put on, balanced etc. and that she was looking at a minimum of $400.
Tears ensued. "I hate thinking about money!" "I hate that everything costs so much."    Again, we talked about choices.  I said that if we did not go to Florida to see the school that I could give her the money we would have used for the trip and she could put tires on or she could not get tires and have the money in her account for other things she wanted but not have a car to drive.  We talked through her tears about what going to UNH would mean in terms of finances (more choices, no debt) and what it would mean to go to a smaller, private liberal arts school (fewer choices and less discretionary money for travel programs). She had envisioned herself at a "good school", a "mini-Ivy" of some sort and looking at the school she was never going to go to was a struggle.
     She likes the options at UNH, she liked what she saw of her program, she loves the travel possibilities.   She asked "You won't just come and visit me, will you?"   And I assured her that I would only visit if I called first and asked if I could take her to dinner. (I am not likely to drive the hour and a half just on a whim)  She wants the "away" experience, even if she is still in our home state.
     In the end, she said, "I'll go to UNH."  There was some resignation and reluctance.  There was a hint of relief. As the week has gone by, I think there might even be some excitement creeping in.    I sent the check.  She will send in her dorm request and pick an orientation date.   Beloved Child is going to college in the Fall and now we know where.
               Her wings have a destination now, and she will be building a new nest. 

Being Chinese on the Outside

   Pretty much all of Beloved Child's life we have lived in small, rural New England towns.   We had a brief sojourn to a college town in Colorado for 4 years and then back to the land of maple trees, many lakes and lots and lots of white people.

    Where we live, most people have known Beloved Child since she was very small.  Many people remember me bringing her home from China as a tiny infant.  They have seen her grow, watched her play soccer and lacrosse, recite poetry at the elementary school talent show, sell Girl Scout cookies and now, watch her prepare to graduate from high school.   She has always been one of a half dozen of non-white kids in her grade school and middle school.    Beloved Child does not think much about being ethnically different from most of her peers and recently I heard one of her friends tell her , "You are really only Chinese on the outside."   A comment that made me both sad and moderately outraged.   I tried so hard to expose her to things Chinese and to celebrate her culture and heritage when we were able to do so.  And yet, where we live, where I chose to live, has largely formed who she is and how she perceives the world.

   All of this is a preface to this morning.
         We attended a multi-cultural event for accepted students at one of the colleges on her list.   Upon arrival at the check in she was stunned.   All of the kids were non-white.  They were African-American, Hispanic, Latin American, Middle Eastern, African and there was one other Asian girl.  Beloved Child KNEW that this was for students identifying as "multi-cultural"  but it had not really sunk in until she saw the group.   "Mom, this is weird!", she whispered.   "I don't like being pigeon holed into a group"  "I like just blending in."   I gently challenged her on what sounded like racism..."Wow, buddy, you might want to give this a chance."   Inside I cringed.  Did I set her up to be ignorant? A racist?  Ashamed of her ethnicity?   Did by choosing to live in a rural and very white state I deny her the chance to know and interact with a global and diverse population?

   My head is spinning.

    Clearly there is nothing I can do about this today.  Not now.  We have traveled, in the U.S and outside of it.  Our friends and family are representative of nations and cultures and orientations that are a pretty mixed bag and yet, I am tonight feeling ashamed that I did not do more.  Saddened that her sense of self doesn't seem to celebrate the part of her that is unique.  I am thinking of you who have very small children and who will face some of these issues as they grow and I am wondering, what will you do differently?  

Reality and Choices

   Beloved Child is in the final month of deciding about colleges.  Over the weekend she heard from 3 more schools, two put her on the wait list and one out right said she was not admitted.   I did not realize how much of my own ego was invested in her getting in, not because I want her to go to any one particular school, but because, who on earth would reject my smart, wonderful child?  She got into 5 schools, 4 of which she is not truly interested in, which leaves her feeling as though she really has only one choice and the wait list schools.

   In truth, I think the one school that admitted her and that she would consider going to is the right school. It has the programs, extra-curriculars and travel opportunities that she wants, it is not overly far from home, but certainly far enough, and has economic diversity as well as a large enough student body to have other kinds of diversity as well.

   And in the midst of this, I try to not put MY hopes, fears and choices in her face.  I ask, nicely, "how are you feeling about all of this?"  "What do you think/feel about your choices?" and she says, "Mom, asking how I am feeling is just making me feel worse.  Stop it. "   Okay. Well. Um.   So, I have to shut up, for now, and wait to be asked for an opinion, and be silently supportive somehow.   Ice cream?

    We went to Florida last week for 3 days.  It was great.  We walked on the beach, ate (outside!!), shopped and talked.  I am cherishing these opportunities to be close before she leaves in the Fall.  Tomorrow is back to school, the last term.  Graduation is 2 months away.   Silent support, lots of love and opinions when asked.  This is my life today, right now.

Sunday Night before Finals

   It has been a couple of trying weeks since I last wrote.  Beloved Child does not like Winter term and has been in survival mode of late.   "Not fair." and "So tired" have been her litany, and then something turned around and she has been happier.  Was it the special light we bought for her room (full spectrum bulbs)?  Was it seeing vacation creeping closer?   Perhaps it was the positive comments from teachers?  It doesn't really matter why things improved, just that they did and we all can rejoice.

    Last night Beloved Child offered to make dinner. Her Spain trip introduced her to tapas and she received a tapas cookbook for Christmas, so last night, stuffed mushrooms!   She was so proud and excited to offer us something she actually used a recipe to make. (For those of you who are wondering why it has taken her so long, keep wondering!)   3/4 cup of butter, 4 cloves of garlic, a small amount of sherry and 12 regular/largish but not huge mushroom caps and bread crumbs.   Subtly garlicky it was not!!  She made pasta as a second course and sliced strawberries for the dessert. Over and over she asked "Is it okay?  Do you like it?  Aren't they great?"  I am still smiling.  I forget that she can still be as enthusiastic as a little girl sometimes and I love this aspect of her.

   Tonight she is studying, recording a song for French class and not panicking, even though finals are this week.   I think we will all survive.   There is nothing nicer than a happy baby, even when the happy one is 18.   Halleluia.

P.S.  She asked me to read another essay and I redeemed myself after my last horrible comments. So happy she gave me another chance.   Some days life is really good.

Valentine's Eve 2013

   At this moment, on Valentine's Eve, I can definitely say that Beloved Child has no idea that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. She is doing her Stats homework and still has English, Spanish French and science to finish.  Tomorrow she will jet off to school, in the usually chaotic sprint to have everything in her bag and ready to go.  She will have had her toast and juice and put on her makeup (new ritual of late) and said "See ya, Love ya" as her keys rattle in her hand.     Later in the day she will tell me, "I meant to make a card, but I forgot (or, I was busy)".   And you know what?  It is really okay.

    I love Valentine's Day.  One of the reasons that I love it is that I feel no need to be on the receiving end of cards.  If I get a card, I am happy, but I consider this, oddly enough, to be one of the great pressure-free holidays of the year. Hallmark and the flower industry do not seduce me.  The diamond sellers and chocolate makers cannot guilt me into buying their wares. (Okay, maybe the chocolate makers get my cash!)  I send cards because I actually enjoy making Valentines and writing letters.
    Last week I wrote my holiday (read: Christmas etc.) cards and put in the note that since Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year are both this week I consider my cards to still be "of the season".   I mailed them off happily, knowing that the recipients probably will not be getting a ton of mail this week so a card for whatever the occasion will be welcomed.

   Tomorrow morning, Beloved Child WILL know that it is Valentine's Day because there will be strawberries and a can of spray whipped cream* at her place at the breakfast table.  I will make her a construction paper heart and maybe cut her toast with heart cookie cutters.   I hope she will think it is silly and cute.   Next year she will be at college and I can send a care package, and that will be fun too.

     Yep, I like Valentine's Day.   If I get "See ya, Love ya" as she runs out the door, I'll be happy.

* Spray whipped cream is her idea of a big treat.

Please Don't Answer Honestly.

  I screwed up big time last night.    I did something that my daughter will hopefully forget but that she will likely remember for a long time.  I wish I could undo it but since life doesn't have a delete button, I am just having to apologize, feel guilty and move on, eventually.  

     At 9:30 at night, Beloved Child came to me and said "Do you want to hear my essay?".  Of course I said "yes".   She began to read it to me and from the beginning I knew I was not going to love it.  I tried to stay quiet and listen all the way through.   It was cliche and had nothing in it that offered a window into why the reader should care about what she was saying.  I pointed out a glaring error and one word that was not a word and let her finish.   She asked "What do you think?" and I said (cue doomsday music) "I hate it. There is nothing in it that tells me about you or why you care about this issue."    Her eyes teared up.   She didn't know what to say.  I didn't know what to say.  I felt like garbage and realized that even when asked for my opinion, I should not give it in this context.  Writing does not come easily for her.  She can tell a story, but if asked to write one, she chokes.  She waits until there is a deadline and leaves little time for revision.  I am a jerk.    She will remember this until she dies and tell her children and grandchildren what I said to her when she was 18.

   I apologized verbally.  I told her I love her.  I wrote her a note telling her that I felt like a jerk and that I was sorry and if given another opportunity to read what she writes, I will do it differently.  I shoveled her car out from the snow this morning.  Neither of us mentioned the essay.  She left with a half hearted "goodbye" to go to school.  

     My tummy hurts.  My heart hurts.   I screwed up.   It is 7:56 a.m. and I am still feeling badly.  She may forgive, but won't likely forget.  Me either.

A Better Day

Less whiny today.  

Maybe I will sleep tonight.   

 A few things looking up. 

   Bright stars in the sky.

One of my very favorite children's books is "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Awful, No Good and Very Bad Day" by Judith Viorst.   As may be apparent from the title,  Alexander, age approximately 6, is having a bad day - nothing goes his way, from not getting a prize in his breakfast cereal to having his mom buy him sneakers in a color he doesn't like.   Everyone has days like Alexander.  Yesterday it was me.   I felt like a failure as a parent, as a daughter, as a friend and I could not get comfortable enough in my own skin to get to sleep.   I wanted a re-do of my day and to be able to start over and have everything be nice and tidy.   

      Today, I received an email from my mother suggesting a way that Beloved Child could participate financially in her Senior Project in a meaningful way.  My mom suggested that Child could contribute the equivalent of 1/2 the airplane ticket as a donation to the organization where she is doing her super cool project.  This makes TONS more sense than actually paying my mother , who does not need the money.    I felt much more at ease just having that as an option.

    Today Beloved Child got a college acceptance in the mail.  She received 2 others last Friday. She no longer has to worry (unreasonably but a natural fear) that she is a dud and that no school will accept her.  She now has options and probably there will be more to come.  Her mood is improved.

   Today we did NOT get the 4-6 inches of snow predicted, so I did not have to deal with the non delivery of Meals on Wheels to my clients, which would have been complicated following a long weekend.

             Today the sun was shining, which makes everything better.  The snow sparkled.   

      Thank you to you readers and friends who wrote me positive notes yesterday.  It helped.