Last Saturday we were at UNH for an Accepted Students event. Walking onto the campus, Beloved Child says, "This is prettier than I thought." Inside my head I was cheering but saying nothing aloud, because I did not want to jinx it. UNH is the school she did not want to apply to EVER. UNH is the school she was not going to go to NO MATTER WHAT! UNH was the safety school that I MADE her apply to in case nothing else worked out. UNH has almost everything she wants in a school except that it is in NH.
She was down to 5 schools to decide from by May 1st, which is "Send in your Money Day" at all colleges. We had waited to go to this event because in truth, she did not want UNH on her list. It was a good visit. We were the only people there to visit with the professor from her major, so it was a one on one conversation about the classes, the opportunities and her interests. We had lunch in one of the dining halls, walked across the main campus where trees were starting to blossom and the grass was turning green.
We came home and she was pleased but non-committal regarding her decision. We had plans to go to Florida the next Friday to look at one more school, a very small liberal arts college on the sea coast. She wanted to see it before she could come to any final choice and then, (cue music of doom)
the car she drives needed to be inspected before it could be re-registered for another year. It is 40 dollars to have it inspected, whether or not it passes. Our deal has been that if she wanted to drive the car that inspections, registration and small repairs (the only kind worth doing on a car so old) are up to her to finance. Monday, the car went to the shop and the car guy told her that it would pass BUT (always a catch) she absolutely had to buy tires right away. She came home and started to look for cheap tires on the internet. I said that was not going to work, as you cannot just have tires delivered from Amazon. They have to be put on, balanced etc. and that she was looking at a minimum of $400.
Tears ensued. "I hate thinking about money!" "I hate that everything costs so much." Again, we talked about choices. I said that if we did not go to Florida to see the school that I could give her the money we would have used for the trip and she could put tires on or she could not get tires and have the money in her account for other things she wanted but not have a car to drive. We talked through her tears about what going to UNH would mean in terms of finances (more choices, no debt) and what it would mean to go to a smaller, private liberal arts school (fewer choices and less discretionary money for travel programs). She had envisioned herself at a "good school", a "mini-Ivy" of some sort and looking at the school she was never going to go to was a struggle.
She likes the options at UNH, she liked what she saw of her program, she loves the travel possibilities. She asked "You won't just come and visit me, will you?" And I assured her that I would only visit if I called first and asked if I could take her to dinner. (I am not likely to drive the hour and a half just on a whim) She wants the "away" experience, even if she is still in our home state.
In the end, she said, "I'll go to UNH." There was some resignation and reluctance. There was a hint of relief. As the week has gone by, I think there might even be some excitement creeping in. I sent the check. She will send in her dorm request and pick an orientation date. Beloved Child is going to college in the Fall and now we know where.
Her wings have a destination now, and she will be building a new nest.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Being Chinese on the Outside
Pretty much all of Beloved Child's life we have lived in small, rural New England towns. We had a brief sojourn to a college town in Colorado for 4 years and then back to the land of maple trees, many lakes and lots and lots of white people.
Where we live, most people have known Beloved Child since she was very small. Many people remember me bringing her home from China as a tiny infant. They have seen her grow, watched her play soccer and lacrosse, recite poetry at the elementary school talent show, sell Girl Scout cookies and now, watch her prepare to graduate from high school. She has always been one of a half dozen of non-white kids in her grade school and middle school. Beloved Child does not think much about being ethnically different from most of her peers and recently I heard one of her friends tell her , "You are really only Chinese on the outside." A comment that made me both sad and moderately outraged. I tried so hard to expose her to things Chinese and to celebrate her culture and heritage when we were able to do so. And yet, where we live, where I chose to live, has largely formed who she is and how she perceives the world.
All of this is a preface to this morning.
We attended a multi-cultural event for accepted students at one of the colleges on her list. Upon arrival at the check in she was stunned. All of the kids were non-white. They were African-American, Hispanic, Latin American, Middle Eastern, African and there was one other Asian girl. Beloved Child KNEW that this was for students identifying as "multi-cultural" but it had not really sunk in until she saw the group. "Mom, this is weird!", she whispered. "I don't like being pigeon holed into a group" "I like just blending in." I gently challenged her on what sounded like racism..."Wow, buddy, you might want to give this a chance." Inside I cringed. Did I set her up to be ignorant? A racist? Ashamed of her ethnicity? Did by choosing to live in a rural and very white state I deny her the chance to know and interact with a global and diverse population?
My head is spinning.
Clearly there is nothing I can do about this today. Not now. We have traveled, in the U.S and outside of it. Our friends and family are representative of nations and cultures and orientations that are a pretty mixed bag and yet, I am tonight feeling ashamed that I did not do more. Saddened that her sense of self doesn't seem to celebrate the part of her that is unique. I am thinking of you who have very small children and who will face some of these issues as they grow and I am wondering, what will you do differently?
Where we live, most people have known Beloved Child since she was very small. Many people remember me bringing her home from China as a tiny infant. They have seen her grow, watched her play soccer and lacrosse, recite poetry at the elementary school talent show, sell Girl Scout cookies and now, watch her prepare to graduate from high school. She has always been one of a half dozen of non-white kids in her grade school and middle school. Beloved Child does not think much about being ethnically different from most of her peers and recently I heard one of her friends tell her , "You are really only Chinese on the outside." A comment that made me both sad and moderately outraged. I tried so hard to expose her to things Chinese and to celebrate her culture and heritage when we were able to do so. And yet, where we live, where I chose to live, has largely formed who she is and how she perceives the world.
All of this is a preface to this morning.
We attended a multi-cultural event for accepted students at one of the colleges on her list. Upon arrival at the check in she was stunned. All of the kids were non-white. They were African-American, Hispanic, Latin American, Middle Eastern, African and there was one other Asian girl. Beloved Child KNEW that this was for students identifying as "multi-cultural" but it had not really sunk in until she saw the group. "Mom, this is weird!", she whispered. "I don't like being pigeon holed into a group" "I like just blending in." I gently challenged her on what sounded like racism..."Wow, buddy, you might want to give this a chance." Inside I cringed. Did I set her up to be ignorant? A racist? Ashamed of her ethnicity? Did by choosing to live in a rural and very white state I deny her the chance to know and interact with a global and diverse population?
My head is spinning.
Clearly there is nothing I can do about this today. Not now. We have traveled, in the U.S and outside of it. Our friends and family are representative of nations and cultures and orientations that are a pretty mixed bag and yet, I am tonight feeling ashamed that I did not do more. Saddened that her sense of self doesn't seem to celebrate the part of her that is unique. I am thinking of you who have very small children and who will face some of these issues as they grow and I am wondering, what will you do differently?
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