Pretty much all of Beloved Child's life we have lived in small, rural New England towns. We had a brief sojourn to a college town in Colorado for 4 years and then back to the land of maple trees, many lakes and lots and lots of white people.
Where we live, most people have known Beloved Child since she was very small. Many people remember me bringing her home from China as a tiny infant. They have seen her grow, watched her play soccer and lacrosse, recite poetry at the elementary school talent show, sell Girl Scout cookies and now, watch her prepare to graduate from high school. She has always been one of a half dozen of non-white kids in her grade school and middle school. Beloved Child does not think much about being ethnically different from most of her peers and recently I heard one of her friends tell her , "You are really only Chinese on the outside." A comment that made me both sad and moderately outraged. I tried so hard to expose her to things Chinese and to celebrate her culture and heritage when we were able to do so. And yet, where we live, where I chose to live, has largely formed who she is and how she perceives the world.
All of this is a preface to this morning.
We attended a multi-cultural event for accepted students at one of the colleges on her list. Upon arrival at the check in she was stunned. All of the kids were non-white. They were African-American, Hispanic, Latin American, Middle Eastern, African and there was one other Asian girl. Beloved Child KNEW that this was for students identifying as "multi-cultural" but it had not really sunk in until she saw the group. "Mom, this is weird!", she whispered. "I don't like being pigeon holed into a group" "I like just blending in." I gently challenged her on what sounded like racism..."Wow, buddy, you might want to give this a chance." Inside I cringed. Did I set her up to be ignorant? A racist? Ashamed of her ethnicity? Did by choosing to live in a rural and very white state I deny her the chance to know and interact with a global and diverse population?
My head is spinning.
Clearly there is nothing I can do about this today. Not now. We have traveled, in the U.S and outside of it. Our friends and family are representative of nations and cultures and orientations that are a pretty mixed bag and yet, I am tonight feeling ashamed that I did not do more. Saddened that her sense of self doesn't seem to celebrate the part of her that is unique. I am thinking of you who have very small children and who will face some of these issues as they grow and I am wondering, what will you do differently?
Don't beat yourself up too badly. There is NO PERFECT PLACE. No place which embodies all that we want for our children. So you gave her peace and an upbringing where people know her name and care about her. She also feels comfortable with white people, which is very helpful in our society. She will learn new lessons as she leaves her small town. In that room, she did fit it in, but in other places she will too. She'll fit into the poetry class and the various other things she loves. There is a very interesting article in The American Scholar magazine Spring 2013 issue. The title, The Flawed Logic of Race by W. Ralph Eubanks. Very worth looking up. I think both of you would like it. These next few years will be interesting. She will find her group, and who knows what they will look like? Most likely a beautiful blend of everyone. It's a wonderful time to be 17. Peace, my friend. Kristine
ReplyDeleteThank you , Kristine. I will look for the article.
DeleteI agree with wise KN above that there is no perfect place. What's wonderful about one place might be a trade-off for something that's not so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that she feels that she blends in in a group of white people. She's clearly very comfortable where she grew up, so you should take credit for that, mama! Don't beat yourself up too much.
College will be a wonderful time and opportunity for her to explore her racial identity. I imagine whichever college she chooses will offer more diversity than your current town. She doesn't have to choose to participate in the "multi-cultural student" types of events; even without that, she will be exposed to much more than she is now. I sure felt that way when I went to a very large public university with a diverse student body after growing up in a 99% white town.
Now, raising a black child, I know that I need to work to provide her with diversity in her life. We live in an incredibly diverse city, but we are seriously considering moving to another part of the country where there is not nearly as much diversity. (But our family is there, which is why we consider it.) For now, we will work to make sure her daycare and (later) schools are diverse both in student and teacher populations. We will gather with other transracial adoptive families whenever possible, and thankfully we have quite a few connections in that regard. We will foster her Ethiopian culture often through food, holidays, and trips back to Ethiopia. I know, though, that at some point she will be your daughter's age and we may not have done enough. Or we may have tried to offer it and she might not be interested.
I always pay close attention to anything Kristine says. Thanks for making yourself vulnerable with this post. I agree that she'll find her place in college. A Ethiopian woman I work with has talked to me a lot about the experience of her two children growing up in a white suburb, white private school, white church. When they got to college, they felt frustrated with their mom for not making sure they knew their first language Amharic. They felt like they didn't fit with any group, not the white kids, the African American kids, or the Amharic-speaking kids (even though they were from the same country). So both of them, at age 19 and 20, learned Amharic and have since found their place. They are doing great. They don't blame their mom. I bet the same will be true with you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the smart ladies above... do not beat yourself up! It sounds like you raised a very confident girl who WILL find her place. I know that I did not know my place at 17 either, and I could not have grown up any more "Average Caucasian American." You will both be fine, I promise!
ReplyDeleteAs for us, we often find the opposite is true right now. Our little guy wants to be in with the diverse group, and he takes pride in the fact that he is different. (Sometimes to a fault.) It's all a precarious balancing act... and like any parenting challenge, I find some days are better than others. I guess only time will tell...