In all of my life I have wished for nothing more than to be a mama.
July 31st, 1995 in Changsha, China, that wish came true.
Yesterday, August 18th, I dropped Beloved Child off at college.
Her life and mine will never be the same from this day on.
She is happy, excited, ready to be challenged and independent.
This is what I have been raising her to do.
To create her own life.
To seek out her own dreams.
I am not grieving. I am sad that the day to day life of parenting is over,
but it would be selfish of me to want it to have unfolded any differently.
She is happy, healthy, confident, curious and kind.
She WILL find her way in the world.
I will be here, always.
All of my life I have wanted to be a mama. I still am one. A whole new world.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
One Last Week Until School Begins
Beloved Child came home today from her summer job. She has 8 days to get ready to leave for school. A week from tomorrow we go. A week! A week? Is it time already? How can this be?
As I walked this evening, I noticed that one of the swamp maples along the road had turned red, seemingly overnight. The asters are blooming and the ferns on the verges of the road are turning yellow and brown. Fall is approaching. Fall means school. It is time.
It is so interesting to think about my own leaving for college experience. My mom dropped me off, helped me to take my things up the stairs and then she left after saying "good-bye". I don't know what it was like for her (and I am certain that she does not remember). She was pretty involved in her own life at that point. After one more year my brother left for college then she sold the house and moved to New York for 4 years.
I remember that my roommate had not arrived yet, that it was a long weekend and that I was reading Leon Uris's Exodus. I spent the weekend lying on my bed finishing the book and feeling awkward and confused about what I should be doing before classes began. Maybe I walked around campus? I know that we had arena scheduling and I signed up on too many lists of "Christian" interest groups who then began knocking at my door. I was completely naive about the evangelical type of Christians and called home to my ministers (parents of good friends) crying and panic stricken because the evangelicals told me that there was only one way to believe and that was their way. (Consequently I was doing it wrong.)
I was not used to the noise and chaos and my dorm was full of both. I was on the 3rd floor and a giant 7-Up bottle was painted on my ceiling. Cinder block walls, a single bed, a desk and a closet were on my half of the room. I had a trunk, a portable record player and Paddington Bear sheets.
I had just come from a summer job that had been emotionally rough on me. I was kind of (!) lost and alone. No clue what to do in a new town,new school and no touchstone.
Remembering this stuff and now thinking, "O God, please let my daughter have better internal and external resources than I did. Let her know how to reach out for friends and fun. Let her know how to ask questions and ask for help. Let her know that I am here fro her always. Life doesn't have to be so hard."
Flashbacks, memories and hopes. 8 more days.
As I walked this evening, I noticed that one of the swamp maples along the road had turned red, seemingly overnight. The asters are blooming and the ferns on the verges of the road are turning yellow and brown. Fall is approaching. Fall means school. It is time.
It is so interesting to think about my own leaving for college experience. My mom dropped me off, helped me to take my things up the stairs and then she left after saying "good-bye". I don't know what it was like for her (and I am certain that she does not remember). She was pretty involved in her own life at that point. After one more year my brother left for college then she sold the house and moved to New York for 4 years.
I remember that my roommate had not arrived yet, that it was a long weekend and that I was reading Leon Uris's Exodus. I spent the weekend lying on my bed finishing the book and feeling awkward and confused about what I should be doing before classes began. Maybe I walked around campus? I know that we had arena scheduling and I signed up on too many lists of "Christian" interest groups who then began knocking at my door. I was completely naive about the evangelical type of Christians and called home to my ministers (parents of good friends) crying and panic stricken because the evangelicals told me that there was only one way to believe and that was their way. (Consequently I was doing it wrong.)
I was not used to the noise and chaos and my dorm was full of both. I was on the 3rd floor and a giant 7-Up bottle was painted on my ceiling. Cinder block walls, a single bed, a desk and a closet were on my half of the room. I had a trunk, a portable record player and Paddington Bear sheets.
I had just come from a summer job that had been emotionally rough on me. I was kind of (!) lost and alone. No clue what to do in a new town,new school and no touchstone.
Remembering this stuff and now thinking, "O God, please let my daughter have better internal and external resources than I did. Let her know how to reach out for friends and fun. Let her know how to ask questions and ask for help. Let her know that I am here fro her always. Life doesn't have to be so hard."
Flashbacks, memories and hopes. 8 more days.
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