It's been a long time since writing...the Beloved Child has entered her Junior (!) year of college and is preparing to go to Europe for a semester abroad. She called tonight to discuss plane tickets, money and more money. Money does seem to come up in every conversation. Ugh.
She talked about also beginning to search for a Summer job (Summer '16) and said " Mom, I am NOT going to come home and work there. I would go insane if I had to work in town. I have no friends and there is nothing to do there." And with those words I realize that, she is never going to live at home again. Vacations maybe occasionally, but unless her life situation demands it, she is determined to leave this house, this town and be her own person. She will never WANT to live here again. This is not her life.
I want her to be her own person, definitely. I raised her for this independence and strength. I just want her to want to see me occasionally. Maybe, eventually, after her wings are fully spread, I'll have a place in her universe, but today, this moment, I feel the kind of abandonment that I had not anticipated. Bleakness. Tomorrow I won't feel so bleak, but tonight, even with the pinkest sky I have ever seen and a fire in the woodstove...
Yes, it is not all about me. Yes, it is also.
No comments:
Post a Comment