I just read on Tracey's blog "Linguine or Lo Mein" that they are adopting baby number two from China. It is a wonderful thing and I am happy for them. Although I don't know them, I read about their family and their little girl Emmie and wish for them only the best in this newest adventure.
As I celebrate all of you who are just starting out as new or growing families and send messages of support and encouragement to those of you who are finding the challenges of tiny little people to be exhausting as well as a joy, I also have a bit of kid envy and sadness. Even if I wanted to start over again (and some days I really do), the Chinese government would not allow me to bring home another daughter (or son) from China. I'm not too old (just barely), don't have a disability or disorder that would bump me off the list, I have enough resources to care for another child, but China made a rule that bumps me into the "never" category and this "never" is something that I can't change.
China doesn't allow gays and lesbians to adopt. Early on, when I adopted almost 18 years ago, the Chinese didn't have this rule because I doubt it occurred to them that gays and lesbians would want to adopt or that they would ever apply to create families through adoption. Single women, both heterosexual and lesbian, joyfully adopted in large numbers from China in the early and late '90's. China was a terrific option for building my family and I brought home beloved child with great joy in 1995.
Being gay is such a small part of who I am. I am a mama, a social worker, a (now) spouse, a childcare provider, a volunteer and so much more. I created a home for us, work to make a living and do the things that most other people do in their day to day lives. We live in a small town. I know 10 people in the grocery almost every time I go to shop. When I got married a few years ago, my community welcomed my new spouse without hesitation. But, I cannot adopt again. Not from China, not ever again.
My happiness for all of you who have new children, who have older children, who are reading because you want children, will never cease. Today though, as I send happy and warm thoughts to Tracey and Patrick, I am a little sad. Today, I wish I could have adopted again too.
I had no idea that China changed the laws on this! Wow. I don't understand why so many International programs have flat-out said "no" to anything other than the male-female marriage. So many amazing parents not getting the opportunities we have. That saddens me.
ReplyDeleteIt is not so much that they "changed the law" . It is more that they made a law after they figured out who some of the potential adoptive parents were in this one area of life.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the happy-for-them, still-kinda-bummed feeling. I also have a hard time believing that China imposed such laws, and at the same time it seems par for the course--which is just sad. I have many, many wonderful friends who are amazing parents and who would not be allowed to adopt (from China, anyway), and it is sad for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI so know the "I'm happy for someone else but sad for me" feeling - and it's a hard one. You don't want to take away any joy for what you feel for others, but you can't help but think about your own situation. (I had this feeling about 5000 times during our wait.) I think the rule that China has (along with others - like Ethiopia, which allows single women to adopt, but not single men, and definitely not any same-sex couples) is terrible and needs to change. We were disqualified from adopting from any of the Asian countries because I was open about the fact that I had sought treatment for depression. Another bias that does not reflect the modern world. These rules essentially prevent/delay children from finding loving, caring homes, and isn't that what this is supposed to be about? I'm so sorry for the discrimination you face.
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