I Don't Want to Turn In To...

   For all of you who had cozy holidays with no family conflict, skip this blog post.  For those of you who have utter confidence in your parenting, you can skip it too.   For those of you who came home to your own beds, own kitchens and own schedules and said, "Thank God"...welcome to my world.

    Beloved Child and I went to visit our family on the West Coast during the holidays.  We are the only members of our kin to live in the East.   Seldom, if ever, does West come East, so we travel to see them.  Last year we skipped due to family angst and poor communication.  It was ugly to say the least and going this year was done with trepidation and low expectations (high expectations are just a recipe for disappointment).  We brought our bags and baggage, hesitations and hopes, and a firm grip on each other.  Beloved Child and I had each others backs.

     Within 24 hours I had managed to disappoint my mother and have her unhappiness pouring upon my head.   Within 5 days doors were slamming, tears were flowing and bags were near to being packed.  Christmas had not even arrived yet.   Beloved Child was trying to be "Switzerland" and stay out of the fray.  Unfortunately her teenage interest in her phone/computer/ipod were part of the problem in my mother's eyes.   The hardest thing is that my mother does not say "Please be available at these times to do "X"."  Or, "I would like to have dinner with you most nights while you are here."  It all gets saved up and then dumped into "Your friends are more important than I am and I don't know why you even come here in the first place!"  I hear echos of my mother making these accusations to my teenage self, and it does not feel any different now. 

     I don't want to turn into my mother and end up screaming at Beloved Child during holiday visits.   I don't want to have my expectations become her problem during the times we are together.   I want her to want to visit me, hang out with me, share her life as she is able and willing to, with me.  I am terrified that I will morph into my mother's behavior and Beloved Child will have the same dread of holidays that I do.  I hate feeling this way.   I do disappoint my mother.  My child will occasionally make me tear my hair, even when we are both adults.  I am imperfect and do stupid things.  I will not scream at my child.   I am thankful to be home.   We need a new model of holidays and family visits.  We need to make our communication better than the communication of my mother and myself.  I am hopeful and I am terrified.    I am sad and I am relieved to be home.   Beloved Child has my back.  I have hers. I am thankful.